THIS IS EGYPT
4000 years ago or something.
Ancient Egypt.
Probably.
The great Pharaoh Menjietis his sitting a top his stone throne.
He is mostly naked because that is the style in ancient Egypt.
Beneath his feet are all the gold and riches of his kingdom.
He is the ruler of the greatest empire in the world through the sheer fear and respect of all the peoples in the land.
4000 years later he is dead.
THIS IS EGYPT.
I was standing in line at the AGO waiting to see the Great Pharaohs Exhibition. I was accompanied by my good buddy Ivan who was telling me how excited he was to see the craftsmanship of the ancient pieces of art within. I told him sharply to "Stuff it with scarabs. This is Egypt son! Not some prissy pants Art N'Show, for homo-menians who get erections from seeing other men's erections!" He understood my position and forgave me for my outburst by ignoring me completely for the next 40 minutes.
The exhibition toted itself as possessing the world's greatest treasures but the true draw of the exhibition came from Dr. Harrison Ford's audio narration of the artifacts. Finally, we get to hear the real story of The Great Pharaoh's from the star of such documentaries as Raiders of the Lost Ark and Firewall. As we stepped through the doors of the gallery I opened up my brain-pad and began to take in all the knowledge of the ancient world that $30 could bring me. Here are some things that I have learned during my visit to the museum:
1. Ancient Egypt was probably very old.
2. Unlike Dr. Harrison Ford, Archaeologist tend to be introverted and lazy. So it takes them a long time to discover anything.
3. My friend Ivan doesn't like to have his neck kissed be me in public or ever.
4. Moses enjoyed being a slave but was he was allergic to cats. So he fucked off.
5. Egypt was founded by aliens through something called "the Stargate."
6. Electricity was not invented yet.
7. Security Guards do not like the words "Bomb" "Gun" "Fucking Huge Gun" and "Rambo" shouted at the top of my lungs.
8. Modern Egypt is predominantly a Muslim country with Islam as its state religion. Between 80% and 90% are identified as Muslim. This is partly due to the climate being hot and sandy with nothing else to do but to believe in ridiculous things.
9. My friend Ivan possesses $30 and two major credit cards in his wallet.
10. It is okay to rob and loot somebody's house in order to sell their possessions to a museum as long as they are dead.
This last fact brings me to the story of Howard Carter, an English archaeologist who happened upon the tomb of Tutankhamen, the greatest archaeological discovery of all time!
Tutankhamun was the Robert Pattinson of his day.
Here is the story of Howard Carter's discovery.
On the night of February 16th, 1922, Howard Carter polish off yet another bottle of Sir Willfred Scott's New Fashioned Heroin Water. Then after taking his recommended dosage of whiskey tonic (doctor prescribed) he set off to perform his nightly "stagger" through the pyramids. His left arm was tired from perpetually slamming down Whiskey Tonic while his right arm was tired from exhaustively thrashing his boy slave Ahki for having stolen an embroidered handkerchief 2 years prior. Needless to say he was a bit run down.
Carter was rounding each corridor of the pyramid faster and faster in a hurried attempt to find a mummy to perform intercourse with or as he called it "Pokin' the Crumply." When all of a sudden he found himself pelvis first through a breakaway wall and into a hidden tomb. After 20 minutes of uncontrollable sobbing Carter finally got to his feet where he found that he had stumbled upon the Tomb of Tutankhamen, the Boy king. He quickly staggered back to his camp where he informed everyone, who wasn't brown, all about his discovery. The men broke out a case of their finest camel wine and there was much rejoicing as Howard Carter thrashed his boy slave in celebration.
File Photo of Howard Carter' Discovery.
The next day Carter and his men haggardly looted the tomb. From the dusty ruins they pulled out gold and jewels the likes of which have never been seen. Or would ever be seen. For Carter and his men ran off with their burgled wares. It was only 3 weeks later that Carter himself was caught by Egyptian authorities in an Opium Den in Cairo. He was found with three golden ceremonial masks, two chests filled with precious jewelery, and the mummified remains of the Boy King Tutankhamen. It had appeared that the mummy's jaw had been pryed open and had been encrusted with pearls of dried seamen. Howard Carter was then heard to reply, "I thought the boy could keep a secret."**
**as written on Howard Carter's tombstone.
Being white and of English ancestry myself, I felt it was my right, nay, my duty to plunder and catalog all the riches that lay before me. Perhaps it was the spirit of Howard Carter possessing my mind but I soon found myself smashing the glass protecting Queen Ramaisas' sarcophagus with a single soccer hooliganish head butt. Sirens blared, men came, Ivan was shot. To make a long story short I am legally prohibited from setting foot in anyplace beginning with the letter "E" ever again. But I believe that this is all for the better, because I've finally realized my true calling in life. That is to gather 30 or so men, find the grave of Howard Carter, bust it up something nice and strip it of all it's wares.
Perhaps then I too, shall have my our exhibit in the AGO. Narrated of course by our very own Dr. Harrison Ford author of the Nobel prize winning essay, Blade Runner.
- Graham Gray
Ancient Egypt.
Probably.
The great Pharaoh Menjietis his sitting a top his stone throne.
He is mostly naked because that is the style in ancient Egypt.
Beneath his feet are all the gold and riches of his kingdom.
He is the ruler of the greatest empire in the world through the sheer fear and respect of all the peoples in the land.
4000 years later he is dead.
THIS IS EGYPT.
I was standing in line at the AGO waiting to see the Great Pharaohs Exhibition. I was accompanied by my good buddy Ivan who was telling me how excited he was to see the craftsmanship of the ancient pieces of art within. I told him sharply to "Stuff it with scarabs. This is Egypt son! Not some prissy pants Art N'Show, for homo-menians who get erections from seeing other men's erections!" He understood my position and forgave me for my outburst by ignoring me completely for the next 40 minutes.
The exhibition toted itself as possessing the world's greatest treasures but the true draw of the exhibition came from Dr. Harrison Ford's audio narration of the artifacts. Finally, we get to hear the real story of The Great Pharaoh's from the star of such documentaries as Raiders of the Lost Ark and Firewall. As we stepped through the doors of the gallery I opened up my brain-pad and began to take in all the knowledge of the ancient world that $30 could bring me. Here are some things that I have learned during my visit to the museum:
1. Ancient Egypt was probably very old.
2. Unlike Dr. Harrison Ford, Archaeologist tend to be introverted and lazy. So it takes them a long time to discover anything.
3. My friend Ivan doesn't like to have his neck kissed be me in public or ever.
4. Moses enjoyed being a slave but was he was allergic to cats. So he fucked off.
5. Egypt was founded by aliens through something called "the Stargate."
6. Electricity was not invented yet.
7. Security Guards do not like the words "Bomb" "Gun" "Fucking Huge Gun" and "Rambo" shouted at the top of my lungs.
8. Modern Egypt is predominantly a Muslim country with Islam as its state religion. Between 80% and 90% are identified as Muslim. This is partly due to the climate being hot and sandy with nothing else to do but to believe in ridiculous things.
9. My friend Ivan possesses $30 and two major credit cards in his wallet.
10. It is okay to rob and loot somebody's house in order to sell their possessions to a museum as long as they are dead.
This last fact brings me to the story of Howard Carter, an English archaeologist who happened upon the tomb of Tutankhamen, the greatest archaeological discovery of all time!
Tutankhamun was the Robert Pattinson of his day. Here is the story of Howard Carter's discovery.
On the night of February 16th, 1922, Howard Carter polish off yet another bottle of Sir Willfred Scott's New Fashioned Heroin Water. Then after taking his recommended dosage of whiskey tonic (doctor prescribed) he set off to perform his nightly "stagger" through the pyramids. His left arm was tired from perpetually slamming down Whiskey Tonic while his right arm was tired from exhaustively thrashing his boy slave Ahki for having stolen an embroidered handkerchief 2 years prior. Needless to say he was a bit run down.
Carter was rounding each corridor of the pyramid faster and faster in a hurried attempt to find a mummy to perform intercourse with or as he called it "Pokin' the Crumply." When all of a sudden he found himself pelvis first through a breakaway wall and into a hidden tomb. After 20 minutes of uncontrollable sobbing Carter finally got to his feet where he found that he had stumbled upon the Tomb of Tutankhamen, the Boy king. He quickly staggered back to his camp where he informed everyone, who wasn't brown, all about his discovery. The men broke out a case of their finest camel wine and there was much rejoicing as Howard Carter thrashed his boy slave in celebration.
File Photo of Howard Carter' Discovery.The next day Carter and his men haggardly looted the tomb. From the dusty ruins they pulled out gold and jewels the likes of which have never been seen. Or would ever be seen. For Carter and his men ran off with their burgled wares. It was only 3 weeks later that Carter himself was caught by Egyptian authorities in an Opium Den in Cairo. He was found with three golden ceremonial masks, two chests filled with precious jewelery, and the mummified remains of the Boy King Tutankhamen. It had appeared that the mummy's jaw had been pryed open and had been encrusted with pearls of dried seamen. Howard Carter was then heard to reply, "I thought the boy could keep a secret."**
**as written on Howard Carter's tombstone.
Being white and of English ancestry myself, I felt it was my right, nay, my duty to plunder and catalog all the riches that lay before me. Perhaps it was the spirit of Howard Carter possessing my mind but I soon found myself smashing the glass protecting Queen Ramaisas' sarcophagus with a single soccer hooliganish head butt. Sirens blared, men came, Ivan was shot. To make a long story short I am legally prohibited from setting foot in anyplace beginning with the letter "E" ever again. But I believe that this is all for the better, because I've finally realized my true calling in life. That is to gather 30 or so men, find the grave of Howard Carter, bust it up something nice and strip it of all it's wares.
Perhaps then I too, shall have my our exhibit in the AGO. Narrated of course by our very own Dr. Harrison Ford author of the Nobel prize winning essay, Blade Runner.
- Graham Gray
posted by android at 7:20 PM
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